As a teenager I always wanted to find a love that would end all loves. Literally. I wanted to find someone that I could live hard with, and watch the sun set on our last day together. It took me a long time to come to terms with the odds of ever finding that someone being zero to none. Sure, I have felt what I would consider love in my life, just not that one, where I felt no matter what happened, we’d make it to the end together.

Lucy asked me tonight why I didn’t want to be a vampire. I’m not sure why “In This Twilight” by Nine Inch Nails, popped into my head.

It reminded me of this old teenager/twenty-something desire I am talking about. I’m not sure what it is inside me that still hopes for it all to end that way, or why the finality of it trumps any desire to live forever (if vampires live forever, I haven’t really proven that yet). Lucy doesn’t understand it either. It has me in this reclusive state of mind. Introspective.

I don’t think my very human drive to death is what I’m getting at here but yet I can’t seem to place a finger directly on this feeling. I’m scared to death of death. Sometimes the thought of not existing will have me frozen staring at the wall in what someone told me was a panic attack. It’s like my heart is skipping and my mind is locking up. The overwhelming of the shortness of life. Lucy thinks I’m crazy to of fought off being a vampire twice (also something she has only heard about me doing, no one else). I might be crazy, but there is this need to be alive in me. Maybe it is because of the love portion of this puzzle. There is this need to find love one day. Who knows.

Even if all that wasn’t confusing me, I wouldn’t want to be a vampire because they are all assholes. Lucy excluded of course. Who wants to live forever surrounded by assholes.

Once I get out of this funk I’ll let you all know what Lucy and I have been up to. Henry and I don’t seem to get along much anymore so we spent about five hours the other day job hunting and then we split up. I don’t want to tell him what is going on and he can sense that. Friends hate being left out of other friends business. I don’t blame him. Too bad, I was hoping to convince him to lend me the money to get my car out of impound.

With Henry not wanting to hang Lucy and I got ourselves in a bit of fun.. trouble.. no good? That is what you get when you go out looking for Jesus.