I often think about killing myself.

Until a few weeks ago my nights always ended on the ASB bridge. I would sit at the top, my legs dangling over the edge and take in the coming morning with thoughts of how my body would look after falling from that height into the river. I never could bring myself to do it. Once or twice I couldn’t bring myself to leave either. Those little shacks at the top at least are great places to hide from day for those vampires who are in a pinch.

I have never told anyone that (the killing myself part). I’m sure that no one would of taken me seriously. As many people have told me before, from the outside I seem perfect. I’m a young woman that will stay young until the end of time. My boobs are perfect by the standards of most who have seen them and my bottom is never going to sag. Even my red hair is perpetually bouncy. I can’t help but smile at the world around me when I’m with other people, and find joy in almost everything. People say my smile can break a frown in 2.3 seconds. Well they don’t say that exactly, but things like that.

It’s exhausting. While all of that isn’t a facade really, it just means that no one can see past it. They can’t see the crushing loneliness that is my life. Alex would hate me saying that. She’d be like “Fuck off you cliched bitch” or something like that. Thinking of her saying that makes me smile.

This is Lucy, by the way. It should say that at the top of the post but I thought I’d point it out because if it were me reading it, I wouldn’t notice the little word under the post title. Alex said I could use the journal to tell my side of things, or just to vent, or whatever. I think she wants me to “piss on Isabelle from a great height” with my behind the scenes commentary about the last couple of months. I told her that probably wasn’t such a good idea but I think we are a bit too far past ‘good ideas’ when it comes to dealing with Isabelle.

When trying to think of something to write on this first post I thought I would find the most basic emotional truth that I was living in before Alex smashed into me. This soul crushing loneliness was all I was until that day I was told to go see Alex through the window and to let her see me. Isabelle could not of used more damning words, “let her see you.” I guess she got what she asked for.

Oh and Alex said I had to post music to every post. I guess it’s a thing now. I hope you enjoy The Mountain Goats!