I’ve done a lot of filtering on this interview. I didn’t really have the time to type up the diatribe about the new Peanuts movie trailer. I’ve also cut out any reference to what he was doing during the interview. Fondling breasts, lounging like a king, and getting lotion rubbed on him in various ways was pretty repetitive. I’ve cut out the banter of the girls also. Who needs that crap.

Alex: Tell me about yourself Walter?

Walter: Is this an interview interview, like for tv and shit? Is that what you meant by private stuff? You’re more cracked up than I am. I’ll bite but I have nothing to say about myself so you’ll have to be more direct than that. I came I saw I do. Dig it?

Alex: Alright. Who were you before you were made into a vampire?

Walter: Nobody. Nobody that mattered. Life doesn’t matter before that you know. It’s like before you were born, who cares what was there before because the world is so fucking real once you are out in it.

Alex: How long have you been what you are?

Walter: (making a motion to count on his fingers) Does it fucking matter? I don’t know fifty years, maybe less, maybe more. Maybe nothing.

Alex: You really don’t care about that stuff, your past?

Walter: Fuck no. I have my life here, I have my boys and girls, my crank, my skank and my yank, if you grab it.

Alex: You mean if I know what you are saying or you want me to grab you?

Walter: Whatever you want it to mean. We are all friends here.

Alex: Tell me about the change?

Walter: It was like being shot out of a canon at a million miles an hour while ripped on the best crystal, naked except for a cock ring and that’s about to bust off because of how big your erection is. I’m not trippin’ you on that either. It’s like all your old cloths are just blown away in an instant and then you are wrapped in a cloak of night softer than a breast pillow filled with vaginas. You know how people say heroin is better than sex? Heroin ain’t got shit. Well until the shit happens. That was pretty fucking disgusting.

Alex: Shit?

Walter: You know when your body dies, you shit out your insides like a fucking volcano on a cruise ship sickness.

Lucy: Your body died? That night?

Walter: (looking confused for a brief moment at Lucy). Yeah. It happens to all of us before we are reborn right. Reborn to the greatness of the night, so we can see out of vampire eyes. Isn’t that what that one pussy said in that movie with the rad Tom Cruise vampire?

Alex: Interview with a Vampire.

Walter: Yeah, vampire eyes. Interview with a Vampire.. Shit like we are doing here, this is great. Keep asking, I’m listening. (he says as he does more meth. At this point he has done a decent amount of the drug).

Alex: You are older than that movie?

Walter: Hells yes. I’m older than the writer of the book! Check it out. (he jumps up faster than I expected and I jumped myself. He goes to his closet, digs through an old army duffel bag and comes back with a small piece of card stock. It appears to be a drivers certificate from 1951).

Alex: I thought you didn’t hold onto the past?

Walter: I’ve always loved speed. First in my family to get a car, drove that thing to hell and back. If I could of held onto anything from the dark ages, it’d of been that car. 1950 Chevy two door slant. Sex on wheels. I think that is why she got me. She needed someone fast.

Alex: You were made into a vampire because a girl needed a ride?

Walter: I have no idea what that bitch needed. I know she had me driving her places, always at top speed. Never had to worry about no cops. It was a good time. Sometimes she’d get me hookers and she would watch. It was bizarre at first but awesome. Then one day she did it. Took me by surprise. I don’t actually remember much about it. This pre psych student came around awhile ago and told me that humans tend to forget trauma, but I like to think that you can’t remember Kansas when you live too long in Oz.

Alex: Did you stop aging immediately after your death?

Walter: Hell yes, don’t you know anything? I stopped aging, stopped eating, and started being wicked powerful. Like a dream come true.

I asked him about what he meant by Wicked Powerful, and what being a vampire does for him and I regret it. Lucy and I had to sit through a bunch of posing and descriptions of how strong he is, and random posing of the girls in sexual positions, talking about fuck speed dynamics. I felt like I was in a bad version of Boogie Nights.

Alex: What happened to the lady then?

Walter: She left. (he is serious again for a minute). I knew we were not going to be no Bacall and Bogart, or Grant and Kelly, but I thought at least we could be as fucked up as Bonny and Clyde you know? Blood drinking monster lovers on the loose in the midwest. Would of been brilliant. She stuck around long enough to make sure I wasn’t killing people all blind and stupid, and then she left. No good bye, no last kiss. Just gone. What a bitch.

Alex: No word from her since then?

Walter: Nope, never saw her again, didn’t look, didn’t fucking care. I found other avenues for my time, laying low, and replacing her with hotter younger models.

Alex: What happened to the car?

Walter: I don’t want to talk about it?

Lucy: Really?

Walter: (standing up quickly) I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

Alex: Alright, alright. We won’t talk about it. Tell me about the time then. Was it easy to be a vampire in the 50’s until now?

Walter: It’s always easy to be a vampire. The only thing you have to worry about is other blood suckers, but if you stay out of their politics and keep out of their territory, you are golden pony boy.

Alex: What do you know about their politics?

Walter: Enough to keep my head down and hold on to my little kingdom. I’m not going to talk about it, that’s the shit that gets you involved. Even if you walk out of here not remembering, and being all compelled to throw those notes in a fire, you don’t want even a moment of that info being out there. Sons of bitches will come down hard. Specially that ball breaker, that thin one that looks like a house wife on meth?

Alex: Isabelle.

Walter: Yeah. She’s crazy and no matter how much thinking I do I have no idea what her game is.

Alex: Interesting, I’ve spent time with Isabelle, she is very much into me getting as much information out there as possible.

Walter: See, crazy, don’t mess with crazy Alex, it’ll come bite you on your ass.

Alex: Have you heard about the Sanguine Society?

Walter: Holy fuck you love your history. Haven’t heard that name in awhile. They were these crazy ass mason people who were always building homes and helping the poor. Serious do gooders, but harmless. A few of us before they closed their doors raided the temple for their blood stores, they were into blood banks and supported just about every war and every aid department. It was pretty intensive from what I remember. So we raided the temple, but didn’t find anything. Someone had cleared them out, and murdered a bunch of them before we got there. That is how I met Jesus, he was one in on the raid. Total pussy, ran like a girl when he saw the murdered people, but he was greener than I was, plus he didn’t have the fortitude of a good blacky.

Alex: Do you know who cleared them out? Why they are not in the papers?

Walter: No, but it had to be some of us right? Only we could of deleted them from the world? Fuck if I know, that’s more politics. Fuck that noise. I just wanted the free blood. Blood bags are not as good as the real thing but man it makes life easier specially when all your partners are stressed out from feedings. Gives them a break.

Pretty soon after that we left. He told me to forget the whole night and burn the notes once I was at home. He had those vampire eyes but he must of been to methed out to really try because he looked convinced that I’d obey him. Lucy and I laughed all the way back to my place although I could tell she was bothered by something. She admitted before sleeping that morning that it was him talking about dying that night and shitting himself. She never experienced that. Thinking about it, I bet I would of experienced that if I would HAVE (just for my fucking editor to know I pay attention, one for me one for you, whoever you are) not had the vamp be gone. It felt like that was coming.

It is an interesting puzzle that is for sure.